Reactive Defence
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What is reactive defence?
Covert misogyny can appear in many different ways. In conversations, interrupting and speaking over women is very common. This often pairs with a ‘well, actually’, which is used to contradict or even correct women. Even when the man is not an expert on the subject, it is used to belittle and silence the woman. One of the most common ways women can experience covert misogyny is when it is shielded behind a joke. This is when someone makes demeaning, sexist or condescending remarks and pressures the woman to not be upset as it is ‘just a joke.’ It is often paired with dismissing emotions by labelling women as overdramatic and ‘can’t take a joke.
Why is reactive defence not abuse?
Women in a professional / work setting are likely to experience covert misogyny. In high-performing / male-dominated fields, it is assumed that women are less competent compared to their male counterparts. This leads to mansplaining, ideas being ignored, stolen or taken over. Women from marginalised groups also experience covert misogyny. An example of this is black women who may experience a combination of racism and covert sexism. Black women are often displayed as angry and aggressive who are portrayed as emotional and unable to manage their emotions when they speak up for themselves.
Why do abusers use this tactic?
If you notice patterns or thoughts of covert misogyny within yourself, unlearning it can require consistent active interventions. The first is to recognise and address any internalised misogyny. This can be done by identifying and correcting the patterns when you notice them. When a misogynistic thought occurs, stop, correct it, and replace it with a supportive one. Challenge yourself, your thoughts and your actions. It may be hard, but remind yourself that misogynistic behaviours are learned, not inherited, meaning they can also be unlearned. Do not let the shame of these thoughts immobilise you; instead, learn long-term strategies for change. Seeking out a reputable therapist and building a supportive community can help develop effective coping skills and challenge misogynistic norms.
Examples of reactive defence
You can challenge the behaviour in a calm, non-aggressive manner by asking what they meant by that or simply saying “that’s offensive”. Refusing to laugh or smile at the situation and instead maintaining a neutral expression is a surprisingly effective way of showing disapproval. You can also share evidence with the person if they believe that something doesn’t happen, such as domestic abuse not being real. Statistics and personal stories can be incredibly helpful
What to do if you've acted like this
Covert misogyny can appear in many different ways. In conversations, interrupting and speaking over women is very common. This often pairs with a ‘well, actually’, which is used to contradict or even correct women. Even when the man is not an expert on the subject, it is used to belittle and silence the woman. One of the most common ways women can experience covert misogyny is when it is shielded behind a joke. This is when someone makes demeaning, sexist or condescending remarks and pressures the woman to not be upset as it is ‘just a joke.’ It is often paired with dismissing emotions by labelling women as overdramatic and ‘can’t take a joke.