Consent
This page will cover what is and is not consent, how to know if you have consent, what to do if you didn't give consent and consent within a BDSM dynamic.
What is consent?
Consent is a voluntary, informed, reversible and enthusiastic agreement to an activity, such as sexual activity or surgery. The key principles are covered by the acronym FRIES.
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Freely given: No pressure, coercion or influence
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Reversible: Anyone involved can change their mind at any time and feels able to do so
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Informed: All parties know exactly what they're agreeing to
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Enthusiastic: There should be a clear, active "yes"
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Specific: Consent to one act does not mean consent to all acts
How to know if you have consent
The easiest way to know whether or not you have consent is typically a combination of verbal affirmation, enthusiastic actions and active participation. An example of this is verbally agreeing to an activity or kissing the other person back. It's also key to have an emotionally safe environment with regular check-ins (remember, a person can withdraw their consent at any time).​
What's not consent?
So now you know what it looks like when you do have consent, but what about when you don’t? Silence or hesitation are clear indicators that a person isn’t comfortable with the activity. Body language, such as freezing, pushing you away or being tense are also indicators that someone is uncomfortable. A clear “no” is also a very clear sign that someone doesn’t want to do something.
If a person isn’t comfortable with participating in a sexual activity and coercion, bribery, manipulation, guilt trips or force result in that person saying yes, consent has not been freely given; under UK law, this is a sexual offence. Additionally, if the person is under the age of consent, this is statutory rape, as they are legally unable to consent to sexual activity. It’s also worth noting that if a person is under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol, or unconscious, they are also legally unable to consent.
BDSM & Consent
Within a BDSM dynamic, communication is key. Before either party engages in sexual activity, hard and soft limits are discussed and agreed upon. A hard limit is something, such as breath play or anal sex, that one or both parties are completely against happening, whereas a soft limit is something that one or both parties are okay with trying with certain conditions, such as impact play but not with tools (such as a paddle or a whip).
BDSM dynamics rely on communication, especially during sex. Common ways of communicating yes/no/maybe during a scene include using the traffic light system (red = no/stop, orange = slow down/wait/maybe, green = good/carry on) and safewords. A safeword is a pre-agreed word, such as pineapple, that means stop. When the safeword is used, everything stops and the person that used the safeword is reassured and cared for.
​All of this is done to ensure that everyone involved is physically, emotionally and psychologically safe.
What to do if you didn't consent?
If you didn’t consent, the first thing you need to remember is that it’s not your fault. It doesn’t matter what you were wearing, if you were drinking or if you had consensual sexual activity with them before. You said no.
What you choose to do after is up to you. If you choose to file a police report, it’s important that you save any clothes or bedding as the police may be able to collect evidence from them. It’s also important that, if possible, you do not shower, brush your hair or teeth or drink water as this could get rid of evidence. The police will also ask to take you to the hospital to do a rape kit (which, despite the name, is used for a variety of sexual assaults) in order to collect evidence to help build a case. This is completely voluntary and you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. If you do agree to a rape kit and decide during the process that you’d like to stop, they will.
Regardless of whether or not you choose to go to the police, many survivors of sexual assault and rape have found therapy to be extremely helpful.