Why Don't They Leave?
This is the question that victims of domestic abuse hear all the time. They're told to “just leave” and mocked, as if they must be lying if they don’t. In reality, there are countless reasons why someone feels unable to leave an abusive situation. This list names a few, but it is important to understand that, when someone doesn’t leave, it does not mean they are making it up.
Fear
Abusers will use fear tactics to scare their victims into staying, often escalating their behaviour when their partner tries to leave. Leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly dangerous, and this is one of the reasons why it takes an average of seven times for someone to leave for good.
Isolation
A key reason why abusers are so successful in terrorising their partner is that they isolate them from everyone who cares about them. They act as if they are the only ones that can be counted on because everyone else is a negative influence or cannot be trusted. Victims will then feel that they have no one to turn to, and stay with their abuser for the “safety”.
Fear of not being believed
If there is one thing all abusers have in common, it is their ability to manipulate. To most people, they will be the kindest and most charming person. To their partner, they’re a monster. People in abusive situations often feel that they won’t be believed because of the behaviours of their partner towards everyone else, resulting in them feeling that they have no one to turn to.
Societal Pressure
Getting out is only the first step. Once they are out, they’re forced to deal with the opinions and judgments of everyone around them. “They didn’t mean it. “They said sorry.” “Are you sure you didn’t overreact?” Survivors are treated like they are in the wrong for leaving by people who have no idea what they’ve been through. This is ingrained in the patriarchy, suggesting that women can’t survive without men, and that men are supposed to be stronger than women, so they could not possibly be abused.
Barriers
Victims of abuse will often feel like they cannot leave because their abuser has taken everything away from them. Their independence, financial freedom, social life, and so many other things are ripped away, leaving them without the money, confidence, and support system to try to leave. Additionally, when reporting to the police, you may need to reiterate the abuse many times, and sometimes it will be difficult to be believed, as you may not remember all of the abuse or have much evidence. You may also fear retaliation from your abuser or still have an unwilling emotional attachment to the version of them that you once loved.
Emotional Attachment
People in abusive relationships aren’t stupid. They don’t love the version of their partner that is abusive. At the beginning, they are kind, loving and empathetic - the perfect partner. Slowly, gradually, the good qualities will start to be replaced by abusive ones, but the victim still remembers the way things were, and makes excuses for the behaviour, hoping that it will go back to the way that it was. This hope is what stops them from getting help.
Mariska Hargitay
Healing takes time, and asking for help is a courageous step
Elizabeth Gilbert
The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying, and the the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving
Jeanne McElvaney
Survivors of abuse show us the strength of their personal spirit every time they smile