Under the Shades

TW: Mentions of abuse.

The shadow man was quiet today.

He does not venture where he does not belong. He knows better than to despoil the last vestiges of safety that remain with his vile presence.

He is not here, but I can always feel him, see him in the corners of my vision, and hear him over the hubbub of life. He will not leave me alone. He reminds me of his omnipresence in the waking world and among the nightmares.

He has been a constant companion through the highs and, especially, the lows.

My therapist says that he is only a figment of my imagination. A manifestation of what went wrong. I don't believe her.

How can an imagined thing make me shiver in fear, freeze at the barest glance and jump at a brief reminder? 

All it took was a smell today.

I was walking down the street, my eyes darting this way and that, my ears perked for any sign of danger, when I passed a bakery. I used to love the smell of freshly baked bread. Not anymore. 

He liked to bake bread. 

The lights seem to flicker.

He would make the most delicious baguettes, pain au chocolate, and almond croissants, pair them with my favourite coffee, and he would serve me breakfast every single day. It was the kindest anyone has treated me. 

Oh, how I wish it ended there.

It started with small things—inane arguments, minor disagreements—but not for long. Then, the shoving started.

"That man was the love of my life." I repeated this mantra over and over.

It didn't make it any easier.

He was loving, charming beyond words, whispering honeyed words one second, making veiled threats the next. 

The net was layered slowly, carefully, behind gilded bracelets and glittering jewels. He was my everything. I didn't need anyone but him. I was ensnared not long after.

Trapped in the web of lies and deceit, he was both my saviour and tormentor. 

Family? Friends? Ha! You only need me, and I you. 

Was I naive to fall for that? Maybe.

Was all that suffering my fault? Definitely. My therapist tells me not to think like that, though.

When he yelled, I smiled.

Things he broke? I replaced.

Then he hit me. 

It seemed to hurt him more. He showered me with love and affection. He made breakfast again. He said that his demons left. I felt like I had gained him back.

Not for long.

When the second hit came, I convinced myself it wasn't him. My love was taken away, and only I could bring him back. I was the only one he had.

I looked down. 

My hands trembled.

I need to get away from the bakery. I almost ran to catch the next bus. The cramped interior did not make things easier. I got off at the next stop.

Only to hear a familiar tune from a nearby store. It was one of his favourite songs.

This time, I could not stop the tears. My feet could not take home any faster after that.

I took shelter under my fluffy blanket. 

I could hear him now. 

The shadow man is back.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You cannot do this to yourself."

"I can and I will."

"It will only hurt more."

"I will not be hurt again!" Only often being on the receiving end stopped me from shouting.

I stomped my feet towards the exit. I cannot say I like my therapist right now. 

Even though she is right. 

As always.

As wonderful as Sir Hops A Lot is, a bunny will never replace my stupid human need for companionship. Nor can my plushies, for that matter. 

I must make connections.

Ones he is not involved in. 

Ones he can't poison.

Ones he can't turn away.

Ones that don't end in me hurting.

The only thing my stupid therapist forgot is that I don't come alone.

The shadow man is always with me.

Even now.

Even though I can go into a bakery now. 

Even though I no longer cry at the barest reminder.

He is still here.

I am tired. So tired. 

Tired of being alone.

Tired of being weak.

Tired of the shadow man.

Tired of his torment.

I will go to where it all started. 

It is time to end this. 

Walking through the thick foliage, dodging this fern and that, was not my idea of a pleasant afternoon. It has been a long time.

Only a few minutes of walking to go.

I found him huddled under that tree. 

Where it all began.

Where he first hit me. 

The shadow man was there. 

He seemed afraid.

I closed the distance. 

He paid me no heed.

If he were a person, I would feel his heat by now. 

He made no move.

I took him to an embrace.

The shadow melted. 

Under the visage was a very harrowing sight. 

A girl, still a child. 

Shivering. 

Arms black and blue. 

She sobbed.

And I did. 

I will be there for her. 

For there was no one for me.