I choose the bear.
I don’t like men. Not in a derogatory way, but in the same way I don’t like spiders. In the same way I don’t like bears or thunderstorms or sharks. They can be unpredictable, violent and even lethal. Men aren’t that different. Statistically, anyway. I know I’m more likely to be killed by a man than a shark. I know a man is more likely to give me PSTD than a bear is. And yet, I am expected to smile. I am expected to cover my drink. I am expected to walk home with my keys between my fingers and to share my location with my friends, just in case. I have to make sure that what I’m wearing isn’t provocative, not that it matters. I’m most at risk in my own home anyway, when I’m wearing an old t-shirt and jogging bottoms.
I think I might prefer sharks and bears, actually. At least if they attacked me, it was probably for survival. I know that when a man attacks me, it’s not for survival. It’s for power, control and selfishness. It’s done not out of survival or fear, but entitlement, and that’s what makes it all the more dangerous. Because a bear would attack me to kill me and feed its family, but a man would attack me and I would be the one to live with that violation. He would get an essay. A slap on the wrist.
Me? I have nightmares, panic attacks and I still don’t like people touching me, unexpectedly or otherwise. I still flinch when somebody raises their voice or accidentally puts something down with just a bit too much force. I don’t post on social media anymore, because what if he’s watching me? I don’t like bathing or brushing my teeth anymore because then I’m clean and more desirable to him. I don’t like sleeping, either, for that’s where he finds me. He always finds me.
You might ask why I don’t report him to the police. Why would I? When Wayne Couzens, an off-duty police officer, kidnapped, raped and killed Sarah Everard? Why would I report when only 5.7%* of reports result in prosecution, and judges ask what she was wearing? (Spoiler alert: it doesn’t matter). Why would I, when over and over again, I would have to prove I was raped and abused and all I hear is “he can change” or “he didn’t mean it” or “you deserved it”. I believe them sometimes. Ask yourself why I would willingly put myself through this when nobody believes me because he’s such a good guy and he’d never do that to me.
He loves me.
Doesn’t he?
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